I play poker. Sometimes I write about it.
I came across a 2+2 thread that lists the funniest screen names seen on online Poker sites. Here are the ones that made me laugh:
LimpingPark
Miss Deal
Ellen Degenerate
Ante Warhol
Better late than river
Paris Tilton
2cowboysnohomo
GloryHoleCards
RIPyourStack
Nostra Donkus
Usain Fold
2girls1flop
Downswingdrome
JackKingOff
Any ones you want to add? Send them to me on Twitter
I recently stumbled upon a very entertaining Twitter thread started by Joey Ingramabout the fishiest poker outfits. Since it is generally EV+ to be labelled as a bad player, you are encouraged to follow the below guide. Disclaimer: I am not responsible if it ruins your reputation or if your friends suddenly stop talking to you.
Assuming your are not a loosing player, that should make you seem like one. Congrats, your EV just went up! Was it worth it? Probably not.
♠️♣️♦️♥️
PS: If you happen to wear the listed outfits in your regular life and want to berate me for being an asshole, you can find my Twitter here.
You are a live cash-game player, going to card rooms, casinos or home games, but your NL Hold’em game hasn’t been very juicy lately. Where are the fun players? Why do most players at the table seem to be total nit? Even worst, no one is speaking, all eyes on their Ipads waiting for that pair of aces. Boredom is looming. It is time to take the issue in your own hands. If you want the game to be fun, don’t be like others, seating around and complaining. Do something about it!
Here are 3 simple rules you can implement at your table that will bring a smile on people faces, attract action players and repulse nits away. Let’s loosen that table, shall we?
In a “bomb pot”, everyone put the same amount of money, blind, before the flop. Just like antes. For example, let’s say you are playing a 2-5NL. Everyone posts a set amount, usually ranging from 5$ to 25$. Once done, the flop is put out and the “normal poker” can begin. Of course, anyone can have anything. The UTG player can have 72 or AA! The pot is already substantial, meaning most bet will be higher than normal. Most players will proceed with caution with simple top pair.
Now, let’s make it even more fun by adding another component: the double board! Instead of putting one flop out, the dealer will put two. The strongest hands of both boards will split the pot at showdown. A player with the best of both worlds could even scoop. It really create fun action as a player with the nut on one board will pound each street trying to have the opponent fold a great hand on the other board. A lot of players are conscious of it and will call light, easily creating monster pots.
Dead simple. If a player wins a hand with 72, everyone must give him extra chips. At a 2-5NL, it would typically be 25-50$ each. Of course, it could be something else than 72 but always a junky type of hand to keep it fun. This will definitely loosen the table as everyone is likely to play 72, and everyone should also be widening their ranges slightly to adjust.
Someone will strap a straddle to an object that we will call “the rock”. Whoever wins the pot, wins the rock. The button and blinds move normally around the table but the action always starts to the left of the rock, even post-flop. If the rock holder wins three pots in a row, they add a chip to the rock, thus increasing the straddle amount. Once the rock gets to 5 times its starting value, the excess goes to the Dealer as tip and the rock drops back to its original amount.
Obviously position is the key here, the more active a Player is the more they will end up with the Rock and those Players who are on their left, in what is supposed to be a better position, will end up out of position during those hands.
I can already hear you saying “it isn’t poker anymore, it is gambling!”. Don’t forget that gamblers are what you want at your table. To attract them, you need to be willing to play ball a little! More variance? Maybe. More profitability and fun? Surely.
Most books, forums and strategy articles love to categorize poker players as Tight/Loose and Aggressive/Passive. “Oh, seat 2 is super LAG. But seat 8 is a solid TAG.” BO-RING!
Do you know what an Old Man Coffee is? Do you already hate NITs? Is your neighbor a little bit too chatty?
Let’s break down the types of live poker players that populates our wonderful card rooms and casinos. It is more colorful than you think!
After being married to his wife for an eternity, this most-likely retired player made the poker room his second home to avoid seeing Granny. He never plays higher than 1-2NL, preferably 3-6 Limit and always chops! He is here to socialize and hates straddles. His life goal is to win the bad beat jackpot. A true rock, he folds to any aggression and believes his opponent has the nuts on every hand (if you raise his pocket kings, he will tank-call because you must have aces!). If he sticks around, it means he has the goods. Keep raising his limps big preflop, that will drive him nuts and he will protest “This is a friendly game!“, with a grumpy look on his face.
He is not here to play poker, more so to get wasted for free. As a result, the waitress is going to avoid the whole table like the black plague. You can say bye-bye to your coffee.
“Waitress, can I have a double Jack and Coke?” “I cannot serve you until you finished the first one” “Here you go – slurp!”
The later it will be, the more you will hear him answer to the dealer’s nudge: “Is it my turn to playyyy?” Most people believe playing with a drunk is going to be profitable but it actually turns out to be a big loss of time, especially during the late hours. It can get very entertaining to see the look of panic when the waitress announces it is the last call for alcoholic beverages.
Less tight than a rock, the NIT is the fun destroyer of the table. He believes he is a great poker player and that he comes to the casino to make money, treating it as a job. He always asks for a “seat change button” and complains when a player takes a break for more than 10 minutes. What drives him crazy is having two seats open at his table. To piss him off, you can propose him to take him heads-up on another table. He should reply that heads-up poker is not profitable (thus not worthy of his precious time) instead that he would get smoked by your mad skills. Even NIT players hate NIT players.
In each card room you go, there is always a human being you never ever saw playing (or even seating at the table). Yet, he is there everyday and isn’t part of the staff. Most of the time, he seats behind his buddies and sweat it harder than them. His story and motives are not clear: Did you burn his whole bankroll a decade ago? Has he been trying to learn the game all that time?
Unfortunately, poker rooms are infested by them. He always wears headphones, most of the time a hoodie, occasionally sunglasses. Going to the casino is a backpacking trip; he has everything he needs: cereal bars, hands sanitizer, phone charger, etc. He loves to give classes to people around the table:
“How can you call me with this garbage? I represented such a monster and my range isn’t capped?“
When he wins, it is skill. When he looses, it is luck. The funniest and most dramatic scene to witness is when a gambler wins 2 flips in a row on him; the wanna-be pro should turn red and blow-up, saying that everyone at this table is horrible.
Definitely the worst type of player to have next to you, he cannot stop talking about things no one cares about. He will force meaningless bad beat stories in your ears until you want to punch him in the teeth, then do it some more:
“Three years ago, I raised this guy is aces, and then blablablabla…”
You can try to ignore him, he won’t ever stop. Someone that clueless deserve an award. Experience also shows that this type of characters have questionable hygiene: long dirty finger nails, bad body odor, etc.
The action player of the table who always needs to go through a roller-coaster of emotions. Everyone wants one at his table. He will call “any two” preflop, and make your continuation bets look non-significant. Playing draws like he already has the nuts, you will see him re-buy until one of two things happen: running a huge stack or getting bored and going to play craps.
Often Asian with a long pinky nail, he believes in the abstract concept of “luck”. If he doesn’t get playable cards for one orbit, the superstitious will ask the dealer to “wash the card better” and sigh of relief when his shift comes to an end. His hunt for “good luck” will push him to change seat constantly to find the optimal spot, whatever that may be. That type of player usually has tons of good luck charms with him that he puts all around his cards and chips.
It can get out of hand when a player is a hybrid of the types above. Who wants a Drunk-Blabbermouth next to them?!
What type of live poker player isn’t described in this article? Let us know by leaving a comment.
Tintin on Poker 